Renee's Dinner Party with the Cullen Coven
by ebhg
Summary: Follows Getting to Know the Cullen Coven. Can the Cullens hide in plain sight, choke down Thanksgiving Dinner, find Emmett's filter and keep Renee clueless when she comes to town? Chapter 3 is up. Complete
1. Chapter 1

**Thanksgiving with the Cullen Coven…and Renee**

"Bella? We've got a problem." Charlie's voice sounded panicked over the phone.

"Relax Dad, Alice told me that we won't have to worry about the Italians. What they don't know won't hurt them." Bella had agonized for days after the infamous Renesmee-accidentally-clued-in-Charlie incident. Charlie nearly developed an ulcer, thanks to Emmett's filter-less head. However, Alice searched the future as far as she could, and she couldn't see a trace of the Volturi at any point in Charlie's lifetime.

"No, Bells, I mean T-R-O-U-B-L-E," Charlie was nervous, that much was obvious.

'_What could be more troublesome than a murderous coven of vampires swooping down upon Charlie?'_ thought Bella.

"Dad? Are you ok? You didn't _tell_ anyone anything right?" Bella was starting to panic herself.

"Are you insane? Well, other than the obvious married-a-vampire-now-you-are-one. Do you think I want to be committed? I can just imagine what the people in this town would be passing over their back fences. 'There's Crazy Charlie again' or how about 'Boy he sure lost his marbles after his daughter married that nice Cullen boy.' No Bells, this is worse…much worse…" Charlie was rambling now.

'_Maybe we did tell him too much…'_ thought Bella.

"BELLA! I just got a call from _Renee._ She and Phil are coming for Thanksgiving! She wants to cook dinner for me, and for the _Cullens_!"

'_Renee was coming? Renee?'_ Bella hadn't seen mother in the year and a half since her wedding. She could only imagine what her slightly crazy but unfortunately perceptive mother would think if she saw her now. She was lost in different imaginings of Renee fainting or running screaming from the room.

"Bells… Bella? Isabella!" Charlie was worried now. He wasn't sure if you could kill a vampire through shock alone.

"Bella? Mommy?" Jake came in the back door with Renesmee, Edward, Alice, and Jasper; they had been out hunting this morning.

"Wow. Edward, she has the same look on her face as you did when Bella told you she was pregnant," Alice said.

"You saw that, huh?" Edward asked Alice.

"Why do you think I called at that moment, _on your honeymoon?_ Did you think I just called to chat? I'm not Emmett."

"Clearly, I wasn't in my right mind then." Edward tensed, waiting for the innuendo to start before he realized that he couldn't hear Emmett's thoughts anywhere in the house. He turned to his frozen wife.

"What's wrong Bella?" he asked.

"So that's what a vampire looks like when they're struck dumb huh? OW! Nessie, I swear you're taking after your mother!" Jake rubbed his arm where Nessie had smacked him.

"Silly Jacob, that's not what Mommy does to Daddy-"

"Renesmee! That's another _special moment,_" Edward interrupted quickly, hearing and seeing in her mind what Renesmee was going to say. The night before she had woken up and come into their room. Luckily, they were still dressed, though it was very close considering how quickly things could change when you moved at vampire speed. They would have to remember to lock the door…

"BELLA! ARE YOU STILL THERE?!" Charlie's voice was still issuing from the phone in Bella's frozen hand. Edward grasped her by the shoulders and kissed her; shocking her back to the present.

"What? Oh, sorry Dad…Thanksgiving? As in turkey…mashed potatoes…pumpkin pie Thanksgiving?!" Bella hadn't had to choke down any human foods as of yet, but from what Edward had said it wasn't pleasant. Especially after. Ugh.

"Yes Bella, and I don't think she's got blood soup on the menu. Can you guys even eat real food? You know, I always wondered why Edward never ate with us."

"Yes, we can eat food, though it's not pleasant; that's why Edward never ate with us," Bella said.

"Well, you guys all used to be humans; it can't be all that bad could it? Can't you just buck up and eat a few bites? I think Renee _will_ notice if no one eats anything. You remember what happened the last Thanksgiving she attempted?" Charlie sounded as though he was cringing at his last words.

Oh yes, Bella remembered that. Renee had decided to accompany Bella on a rare Thanksgiving visit to Forks when she was nine. Charlie had planned to take them to a restaurant in Port Angeles, but Renee had stepped in and refused to pass up an opportunity for a homemade Thanksgiving dinner.

"Dad, you remember what happened _after_ that meal?"

"Yes…I'll never forget the sound of that stomach pump machine." Charlie sounded ill. "You better make sure Mr. Valium is there. Otherwise, Renee might not make it through the night."

"I'll let everyone know, and we'll figure out what we're going to do. Thanks, Dad. Bye." Bella hung up the phone.

"NO! I hate coughing that human garbage back up! Ugh! Now I have to live through it twice!" Alice was blinking away the glazed-over look she had as she came out of her vision. Edward would have looked green if it were possible.

"What seems to be the matter?" Everyone turned around to look at Carlisle and Esme. Then, they turned to Bella, waiting for her to answer.

"Thanksgiving…with Renee…she wants to feed us all."

"Well, that's not so bad, is it? I mean, she can't be all that bad a cook," said Jake.

"What do you suppose we do? Renee's cooking was bad when I was _human._ Now that I know that it is _guaranteed_ to taste like…like…what _does_ it taste like?" Bella asked.

"Slimy, chunky…"Edward actually shuddered as he said it, no doubt remembering all the times he'd had to choke down something in Bella's presence.

"Well, that's just texture…can we actually taste different flavors?" Bella asked, curious now.

"Edward would know best; he's eaten the most human food of all of us. I guess that's what he gets for _loving_ a human instead of drinking her," said Jasper facetiously.

"The best that I can describe it as is tasteless, chewy, slimy, chunky, _dirt,_" said Edward, grimacing.

"Whoa, Edward, tell us how you really feel," laughed Jasper. Carlisle and Esme laughed.

"Daddy, I don't like human food. You won't make me eat it, will you?" Renesmee was turning on all the charm in an attempt to 'dazzle' her daddy.

"Yeah, you can't make her eat something she doesn't like!" said Jacob, clearly dazzled even more than his imprinting usually made him.

Edward just raised an eyebrow and said, "Now who's giving in to everything that their girl wants?" Bella, Alice, and Esme laughed. Edward turned to his daughter.

"Renesmee, you're going to have to eat something. Your Grandma Renee does not know anything about our real nature. To her, we are humans. Grandpa Charlie nearly had a heart attack when you showed him your breakfast the first time. Grandma Renee doesn't know anything about werewolves, vampires, or beautiful half-vampires. You won't be able to use your gift on her either. You'll have to talk for everything," said Edward.

Bella cringed. Encouraging Renesmee to use her voice didn't always have the best results either; hence Charlie's first introduction to the floor.

"I for one don't have any problems against human food. It can't be that bad," said Jake.

"Oh just you wait Jacob Black…you're going to eat your words," said Bella with a smirk.

"Man! Rose and I leave and all the fun just gets sucked right out of this family. What did you do Edward? Play all your favorite dirges all morning?"

"Emmett, I do not play dirges," said Edward, frustrated.

"You mean you don't play them _anymore_. I remember a lot of _frustrations_ being played out in the weeks before the wedding. OW! Dang it! I want an arm wrestling rematch! I cannot keep taking hits like this! Edward, tell your wife! You know I have no filter!" Emmett was rubbing his arm, looking desperately at Edward.

"Emmett, your filter just happens to have gaping holes. If you had a rematch at this point, I'm afraid I'd have to walk around with my hands over Renesmee's ears," Edward said seriously.

"Back to the matter at hand; how do we handle a Renee Thanksgiving? Surely, it can't be much harder than the wedding was," said Esme.

"I'll have Charlie invite Sue. She'll be good at distracting Renee at all the right moments. Maybe I can even have Charlie get a dog to sit under the table. Or maybe a _pack_ of them," Bella said, looking a Jacob.

"Oh no. I'm not going to order anyone there. You'll have to find a way to hide your own scraps. Better bring a big purse."

"Ooh! Bella! We can go buy some! Big bags are all the rage now! We could find some purses large enough to hide a five course meal, and still be fashionable! I'll go get my keys!" Alice danced from the room, her excited musical laughter filling the house.

"_Thanks_, Jake…now I have to go shopping! You've been elected bag carrier. Renesmee, dazzle him into it!"

"Bella…_mom_…using your own daughter like that?" said Jacob.

"Uh oh" said Edward, taking Renesmee from Jacob, and chuckling at the memories of Jacob irritating Bella that Nessie was showing him.

"I know, I know. He'll never learn." Edward stood at the back door, shaking his head and listening to his beautiful wife tear after his daughter's imprinted wolf.

Everyone started laughing as Jacob jumped across the river and tried to reason with Bella.

'_EDWARD!!! Help me…she's tying me to a tree! He…' _Jacob's thoughts abruptly cut off; Bella had shielded him from possible rescue from Edward.

"No, I don't think he will ever learn. Shall we go play the piano Ness? Yes, we'll go find Jacob after a song or two," said Edward as he strolled to the piano, already humming a song for Renesmee.

____________________________________________________________________________________

"Dad, it just makes sense to have it at our house. With all of the Cullens, Jacob, Sue, Seth, you, Renee and Phil, we just wouldn't fit in your house, let alone at your table." Bella was trying to convince Charlie to have their Thanksgiving farce at the Cullen home.

"Well, Bella, Ness has never spilled the beans over here. I think she is a little too comfortable there, and while I may have accepted Edward as your husband that you love, I just can't hear about anymore _special moments._ A father can only take so much." Charlie was pulling out all his best arguments. "You just wait till Nessie starts hanging on Jake's every word. I can't wait to see how Mr. Cool-and-Polite Cullen handles that particular mole hill," Charlie was speaking more to himself now and his tone was a little too eager for Bella.

"Dad…"

"What? I'm just sayin' Edward may put bars on her window, knowing him," Charlie said.

"Bars? For heaven's sake Dad, why on earth would we need to put bars on her window?!" Bella's voice was strained and a little higher than normal. She could make out Emmett's restrained laughter as he and Rosalie came inside. '_Did Emmett open his big mouth? If he did, he's in deep, deep trouble. He won't have an arm to wrestle with,'_ thought Bella.

"Geez, Bella, did you lose your sense of humor when you married Mr. Serious?" asked Charlie.

"Sure, sure," said Bella. '_No humor at all,' _she thought.

"Dad, we'll have it here. I'll work with Renesmee. See you later!" said Bella.

"Bye Bella," said Charlie, and then he hung up.

"Mr. Serious? No sense of humor? Since when did manners leave a person in the humorless category?" said Edward, his brows pulled together slightly.

"Edward, I think you missed the development of humor around 1901; it took Bella here to make you realize that you're a little behind the times! The only 17 year old prude!" snickered Emmett.

"Emmett, I think you'd better remember to filter," called Esme from the next room.

"There's no humor at all in this family! Rose! Let's go tinker on the BMW," said Emmett.

"That had better be all you tinker with!" Edward said mulishly. "The last time you did that, I had to replace my windshield."

"Come on Edward, you just don't appreciate a good tinker."

"EMMETT!" Everyone yelled at once.

"You find me that filter, and I'll install it!" he said with a grin, while running out to the garage after Rosalie.

A/N: Up next: Ugh, It's what's for dinner!


	2. Chapter 2

**Ugh! It's What's for Dinner!**

"Renee and Phil are driving in this morning. They had an early flight. I'm not sure how she intends to cook a turkey in time for dinner though, unless it's already thawed. She said she was going shopping in Seattle, and bringing everything in an ice chest." Bella looked at Edward lying next to her on their bed.

"We'll have to hope she knows what she's doing. I don't think Jacob has convinced Renesmee that raw is the way to go," said Edward, "though if it was raw, we would have an excuse not to eat it."

"We can hope…" Bella said nervously, "let's get Renesmee up and head over to the house, they'll probably be here within the hour."

At the house, everyone was sitting in the living room, sitting around Alice. She had her hands pressed to her temples, her eyes screwed shut, and her brows were creased, nearly touching.

"Good morning, Edward, Bella; good morning Renesmee," murmured Carlisle and Esme.

"Morning. Good morning Grandma an' Grandpa," Edward, Bella and Renesmee said together.

"Bella! If your mother doesn't stop changing her mind, she's going to give me a migraine! She's almost completely blocked me! Turkey or duck? Cranberries, or pomegranate? Mashed or scalloped potatoes or yams or cous cous! She's DIABOLICAL!!! I only know that they'll be here soon! She just completely fell off my radar, and my head is still spinning! HOW DID YOU LIVE WITH THAT WOMAN!!!" screamed Alice.

"Whoa… I think someone needs Mr. Valium! Quick, Carlisle, write her a prescription!" said Emmett.

"Would you all please stop referring to me as a controlled legal substance? The next person to call me that will know why I survived the wars of the South!!!" snapped Jasper; he was instantly contrite, "Sorry. Alice is wearing off on me a little too much. I think we need to go hunt before your mom gets here Bella."

"Have fun, but don't go far, you two," said Esme.

"Are we going to be able to handle this?" asked Carlisle. "It might just be easier to let Renesmee loose and pick up the pieces later."

"You're not going to get out of eating that easily," said Esme with a smile.

"Well there's still hope that the hospital will call, I guess." Carlisle shrugged, and smiled at his wife.

"Brace yourselves; Hurricane Renee is pulling off the highway; Bella, you had better put in your contacts," said Edward. His eyes unfocused and he was obviously listening to the thoughts of the people coming up the drive. "Alice is right; she changes her mind at the drop of a hat."

Soon enough, the sounds of two cars pulling onto the gravel drive was audible to their sensitive ears. Alice and Jasper came in the back door, and Rosalie and Emmett came in from the garage.

"Well, let's all meet them out front," said Carlisle. He took Esme's hand and led his family out to meet their guests.

"Why do I feel like we're meeting more witnesses? Renee isn't here to slay us right?" said Emmett.

"OW! Geez! What was that for?!" Emmett was rubbing both arms, since Alice, Bella and Rosalie had all hit him.

"No Emmett, my mother isn't here to play 'Renee the Vampire Slayer' though I'm sure if you're not careful, I'll show her the pictures of your Elvis jumpsuit Halloween costume when I show her the photos of Renesmee," said Bella.

"Just warming up, Emmett. The morning is still young; you could always install that filter you were talking about. We can't afford to let anything slip to Renee, she wouldn't handle it well. Charlie had a year of watching Nessie sprout up before his eyes to desensitize him," said Alice. "Of course, that still didn't keep him from passing out. I'm amazed he handled it so well."

"Ah, Charlie's tougher than you give him credit for. I mean, he never shot Edward right? Not one little bullet! That's got to count for something," Emmett said. Edward merely glared at him.

Renee and Phil pulled up at that moment in their rental car; Charlie pulled up in his cruiser with Sue in the front seat, and Seth and Jacob in the back like suspects under arrest.

Bella put Renesmee down between Edward and herself, waiting for Renee to come and hug them all.

"Oh Bella! Edward! You look wonderful! I think married life agrees with you two! I can't believe it's been over a year since I saw you last! Esme! Alice! Rosalie! You're all looking so wonderful! Carlisle, you are so generous to let us cook here today! Could you boys help Phil empty the trunk? Oh we found so many wonderful little European markets, and a farmer's market, oh it was wonderful!"

"Bella? Does she ever breathe?" asked Jasper in a low tone. "I'm afraid I'm starting to get really keyed up."

Charlie moved over to Jasper after letting Jacob and Seth out of the cruiser. "Think Valium…she'll never stop if you let her get a breath," he whispered.

"Oh…my goodness, I must have jet lag! I'm suddenly so _tired_! Whew!" Renee yawned widely.

"Mom, I'm sure it's just the drive," Bella looked over at Jasper, and whispered under her breath, "Don't put her to sleep!"

"Oh, Bella, is this sweet little thing Edward's niece? My, she does have a strong family resemblance. Hello! I'm Bella's mommy! Wow, she even has eyes the same shade as yours. If I didn't know any better I'd say she _was_ yours!" Renesmee was clinging to Edward's leg peering around from behind her parents to her Grandma.

"Isn't that such a funny coincidence? You know what they say, brown eyes are dominant!" Alice was quick to step in and redirect Renee before she looked too closely at Renesmee.

"We found the freshest turkey for a hundred miles! You'll never believe it! Let's get into the kitchen and get started!" Renee suddenly found her second wind.

Emmett and Jasper made a big show of each of them taking one end of the ice chest and 'struggling' to get it into the kitchen.

"Don't overdo it guys…Emmett, with your muscles, even limited to human strength you could handle that thing on your own. You're hamming it up too much," Bella whispered to them.

They finally let it drop to the floor in the kitchen with a thud, stepping back and letting the women into the kitchen to cook.

"Charlie! You can help me unload these bags. They had the freshest vegetables at this lovely little farmers market in the last town before Forks on the highway. I mean look at this garlic! Smell that! Have you ever smelled such wonderful aromatic garlic?" Renee was pulling huge cloves of garlic out of a brown paper bag and wafting it at everybody.

Suddenly, Charlie looked a little panicked. "What are you going to use garlic for?! Maybe you should ask if they have a problem with garlic before you go waving it around everywhere!"

"Oh relax Charlie! Garlic is such a wonderful natural de-toxer! Here, Bella, you love garlic. Smell this!"

"Wait!" Charlie was starting to get really nervous. Then, Bella understood his panic. In all of the revelations that they had dumped on Charlie the month before, they had forgotten to tell him about the vampire legends that were truly myths.

"Oh, no, Dad, I'll smell it, I'm _O.K." _Bella emphasized the last word and widened her eyes, trying to tell him it was really not going to kill her.

"My goodness Charlie, it's just garlic; it's not like Bella's a vampire or anything!" Renee said. Suddenly everyone stopped and stared at her, not sure what to say. Even the group in the living room watching the game fell silent, waiting for the axe to fall.

"Wow, tough crowd. You haven't forgotten to laugh in this grey little town, right? It was just a joke! As if my daughter was one of the undead! Do you see any coffins around here Charlie?"

"Ha! Ha! Ha!" Esme came out of it first, laughing stiffly until everyone else joined in.

"Well. Emmett? Would you be a dear and open up that ice chest and pull out the turkey? We've got to start preparing it!" said Renee.

Emmett made a big show of hoisting the silly thing up onto the counter, so he could get to it better. Lifting the lid, he got his first glimpse at the turkey and froze.

"Uh Renee?" he said, "This bird still looks like a bird. It still has feathers."

"I know! Isn't that so quaint? We found it in a little European market! Apparently, some places over there don't pluck them before you buy them!" Renee was, for some reason excited about this, probably because of the sheer novelty value of actually plucking the turkey before cooking it.

"So… Who's volunteering to do the honors?" Renee said cheerfully, while looking at Emmett. Suddenly, Emmett had a wicked little grin cross his face.

"Emmett…"Edward said warningly from the other room, knowing what his brother was about to say.

"Well Renee, I think Edward and Bella should handle this duty. You see, they have _previous experience_ dealing with feathers."

"_ow!"_ Emmett hissed under his breath, trying to keep his face expressionless. Bella had just run over and hit him at vampire speed and returned to her kitchen task trying to look innocent while glaring at Emmett.

"Emmett, are you alright?" Renee was suddenly concerned. Emmett could see a golden opportunity opening before him.

"You know Renee, I think I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me. I don't think I'll be up to eating anything today." Emmett was rubbing his stomach now, really playing up the part. "No, I think I ought to let my stomach rest."

"Of course, Emmett! I don't want you to feel ill today! Why don't you go watch the game, and send in that son-in-law of mine! He can introduce me to that lovely niece of his after he and Bella get done plucking!"

Emmett got up and went out to the living room to settle in and watch the game. He had just been given a get-out-of-coughing-up-human-mush-later card, and he was cashing in. Every other vampire in the house was already imagining their revenge on him. Carlisle was checking his pager again; wishing the hospital would suddenly need him. Edward and Jasper were glaring at Emmett; Phil was so absorbed into the game that he didn't notice the silent glares being traded across the room.

"Renesmee, would you please go sit with your Grandfathers and Jacob? I'm needed in the kitchen apparently." Edward let Renesmee slide off his lap and stood up, walking to the kitchen like a man walking to the gallows. Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper may all have had many decades worth of marital experience before Edward was married, but there was one thing that none of them had ever experienced: a _mother-in-law_.

"Renee? You asked for me?" Edward asked politely.

"Edward! Emmett said you and Bella had previous experience with feathers!" As Renee said it, Edward could hear his brothers laughing softly in the living room. Carlisle's thoughts were apologetically humorous.

"I need that turkey naked in the next hour!" Renee was palpably excited. "Come on Bella, leave that for Alice, you can help your husband strip this bird!" At these words, the Cullen men not tasked with 'stripping the bird' nearly burst into audible laughter.

"Come on Bella, we'd better get to work." Edward grabbed the bird by the stump of a neck and hefted it out of the chest and followed Bella out the back door to the prop picnic table outside. Bella lay down a large cutting board to put the turkey on and got to work while Edward held the bird by the neck and started with his other hand.

"You know that we'll never live this down, Edward. We may as well go for broke," Bella said. As soon as Edward looked at her curiously, Bella grabbed a big handful of the soft down feathers and rubbed them into Edward's messy coppery hair. Shocked, Edward grabbed his own handful in retaliation and smeared them into Bella's hair. Soon, an all out feather fight was underway; Bella was in the middle of stuffing a large handful of feathers down Edward's shirt when they heard a throat clear behind them. Both of them froze and turned around to see Renee standing in the doorframe with a smirk on her face.

"Are you two done out here? Or will I need to sterilize that turkey before I cook it?" Renee raised an eyebrow at them.

"No, Mom, I think we're just about done here." Bella's voice was tight. If she could have blushed she would have. As it was, she couldn't look her mother in the eye. Renee chuckled softly and went back into the house.

"Well, I think it's time we took this bird inside" said Edward. Then he turned and took in Bella's appearance while she took in his. Suddenly, they were both laughing at each other.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" said Bella. "At least you didn't have to use your teeth."

After they shook themselves free of feathers, Edward opened the door and let Bella enter the house before him. Renee took the bird from Edward and said, "I still need to really meet your niece Edward! She seems like a charming little girl!"

"Of course," Edward said.

Jacob, having heard their conversation, was carrying her into the kitchen already.

"There's that beauty! You can call me Renee, or even Grandma, since my Bella is helping your Uncle Edward take care of you! What is your name, honey?" Renee asked, dazzled.

"Renesmee" she said in a tiny voice.

"Re-ne-smee? What a beautiful name! How amazing is it that Edward's long lost brother would name his little girl Renesmee? I mean it could almost be a combination of Renee and Esme! What a small world we live in huh?"

Edward and Bella looked at each other in shock. Bella lifted her shield and thought at Edward, _How close to the mark could she actually get and still be clueless?_

"You two are so beautiful when you do that! To think you've been married for over a year now, and still you look at each other like that! You'd think you were reading each other's minds!"

Edward and Bella just laughed stiffly. _Clueless_ they both thought.

With all the food prepped and everyone waiting on the turkey, they all moved into the living room to mingle or take in the game. After a while, Bella smiled over at Emmett, turned to Renee and said, "How would you like to see our pictures from Halloween?"

"Oh, I'd love too!"squealed Renee. Alice was suddenly at their feet, holding out an album.

"We had a lovely party; and Bella, Edward and Jacob took Nessie trick-or-treating around Charlie's street," Alice explained.

"Renesmee! You're so darling! Are you little red riding hood?"asked Renee.

"Uh huh. Jake was my big bad wolf! He wouldn't put on the dress though. The wolf is supposed to wear the grandma's clothes. That's what Aunt Rosalie said! But Jake just wore a leather jacket and a tail. Not his real tail, just a fake tail," Renesmee looked put out as she remembered the costumes they wore.

"_His_ _real_ _tail_? Renesmee, honey, people don't have tails! You mean to say not _a_ real tail, not _his _real tail," Renee said, her inner teacher coming out.

"Of course!" Bella said, before Renesmee's consternated face gave any more away.

"Daddy was Mr. Darcy, and Mommy was Miss. Elizabeth Bennett. That's from _Pride and Prejudice_. I like that story."

"My goodness you are intelligent! Did Bella read that to you?"

"No, I read it," started Renesmee.

"With _Mommy, _she calls me mommy," interrupted Bella. It wouldn't do for Renee to think that this seemingly four year old child was reading Austen classics on her own, however true it may be.

"Of course, I should have realized. You and Edward are so wonderful with her, you'd think she was your natural born child," Renee looked a little teary-eyed before she looked back at the album. She sighed at the pictures and turned the page and started laughing. "Oh Emmett! You make such a _nice_ Elvis! All those rhinestones! You could dazzle somebody walking out into the sun with that on!"

'_Emmett could dazzle anyone in the sunshine even without it,'_ thought Rosalie. Edward cringed.

"Usually, though, you don't see young fit guys impersonating fat older Elvis. What was that man thinking? Really, all that polyester; how he got there from leather jackets and jeans, I'll never know. I guess the seventies weren't very friendly for fashion," continued Renee.

"Tell me about it," grumbled Alice.

"Just be glad you didn't have to live through it, dear," said Renee.

"Believe me; I'm never more grateful than when I remember that I wasn't _alive_ during that tragically fashion-less decade," Alice said it with such sincerity that Bella almost forgot that Alice was very much _around_ in the seventies, though technically not _alive_.

"Oh, when you get as old as me, you'll probably look back on your teenage years and wonder, 'what was I thinking?' when remember the things that you wear now," said Renee.

Again, Edward and Bella were starting to get nervous about how close, and yet how far Renee was from truly understanding the irony of her words.

Everyone suddenly heard the timer on the oven start to ring. "Great! Everyone, grab a dish from the kitchen and we'll move everything into the dining room. I'll bring in the turkey!" Renee was nearly bubbling over in her excitement.

While everyone settled into the dining room, Alice suddenly appeared with four large purses; she started handing them out to Esme, Rosalie, and Bella, while keeping one for herself.

"Alice?" Bella questioned. "This bag is as big as my backpack from high school; don't you think Renee will wonder why we're suddenly ready for an overnight at the dinner table?"

"Well, would you prefer eating all the food? With these, we can get away with just a couple of bites each. Besides, I've got it covered." Alice pulled out another purse that had a bow attached. "See? Renee can't question a gift!"

With the questionably sized purses slung over their shoulders, the Cullen women braced themselves and marched into the dining room. Renee was, of course touched by the gift, and thrilled to be included into the sisterhood. '_If only she knew,' _thought Bella.

"Renee, I must say, everything looks wonderful," said Charlie.

"Yeah, that's one good lookin' naked bird!" said Emmett. He tensed up his face, expecting someone to hit him for his innuendo laced comment.

"Well, Emmett, I think you may have recovered enough by now, perhaps you'd like to sample some, and see how your stomach does?" unexpectedly, it was Carlisle who voiced what was going through all of the Cullen's heads.

"Sure…" Emmett was instantly back to feeling 'green'.

Everyone served food onto their plates. With all of the non-vampires at the table actually eating, and everyone talking and laughing, the vampires at the table were able to get away with minimal ingestion, maximum purse usage. However, the bites they took were exactly what they knew they would be. Slimy, chunky, chewy balls of dirt flavored yuck.

"Renee, you simply outdid yourself this time; I doubt I have ever tasted a finer meal prepared by your hands," said Charlie.

"Thank you Charlie, I've become a bit of a Food Network addict!"

'_It figures, Renee would finally figure out how to cook something right; now that everything she cooks is guaranteed to taste like dirt flavored lard chunks,' _thought Bella.

"This has been simply the best holiday this family has ever had; I think we should commit to making this a yearly tradition! Nothing like a stomach full of good food to bring a family together, right?" said Renee.

"Sure, sure," said Bella.

"In fact I think we should stir things up a bit next year, everyone can bring their favorite dish, like a potluck! What would you guys like to bring?"

The Cullens all looked at each other, wondering what the best thing to say would be. Renesmee took a breath to say something; Alice squeaked out a warning to Edward, whose hand reached out and covered her mouth just as she uttered a 'b' sound.

"Bambi! I mean deer. We'll have venison!" Edward interjected quickly.

"Oh, that sounds so rustic! That sounds great!" said Renee. "How should we get one? Do you guys know any good hunters around here?" Renee's eyes scanned everyone at the table, thinking '_These great outdoorsy people must know one good hunter somewhere.'_

Everyone looked around at one another, and together said, "Sure, sure."


	3. Chapter 3

Sisterhood of the Dinner Purses

"Grandma Renee! I'm the best hunter! I always get the biggest! I'm even better than Jake!" said Renesmee.

Bella and Charlie looked at each other nervously; Edward was slightly tense, though he could tell Renee wasn't concerned with what Renesmee had said…yet.

"Oh, really sweetheart? What do you and Jacob hunt?" Renee's face didn't show any surprise, she merely assumed that Renesmee had an active imagination.

"We hunt," Renesmee started.

"Seashells! On the beach." Jacob said, cutting off Renesmee before she could tell Renee that she regularly took down large elk bucks.

"That's wonderful sweetie! You'll have to show me your collection," said Renee. Jacobs face fell slightly at that.

"Better hope the tide pools have a lot of shells in them, Jacob," Edward murmured swiftly. "Otherwise, you may have to go buy some."

"Rocks! Should have said rocks! Quil has buckets of the stupid things," Jacob whispered back remorsefully.

'_I wanna tell Grandma Renee about my hunting. She asked if we knew any hunters,' _Renesmee thought towards Edward.

Edward leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Ness, we can't let Grandma Renee know that. She wouldn't understand. Grandpa Charlie was ready to hear the truth, that's the only reason he didn't have a heart attack when you accidentally told the secret." Renesmee wrinkled her nose and pushed her lower lip out in a pout reminiscent of Bella.

"Oh my, you must be taking lessons from Bella! She looked just like that when she was a little girl, and trying to get her way. Edward, she must certainly have you around her little finger!"

Edward instantly opened his mouth to deny Renee's teasing but he didn't get a word out before all the Cullens said, "Yes, she does, Edward."

Edward's eyebrows pulled together in consternation. "She may have me around her little finger, but she has Jacob eating out of the palm of her hand!"

Now, it was Jacob's turn to look consternated. "She does n-" he began.

"Yes, she does, Jacob," everyone said. Now, Edward looked triumphant. Not only had his family agreed, so did Charlie, Sue and Billy. Seth was still too busy eating to say anything; he simply looked at Jacob with a smirk, and a knowing gleam in his eye.

"Sure, sure." Jacob conceeded, looking at Renesmee and losing all desire to deny it.

"So, who's ready for dessert?" Renee asked what would normally be a very innocent and anticipated question on Thanksgiving. At this gathering, though, several forced smiles quickly covered pained grimaces.

"I'm ready! There's always room for dessert, right?" said Charlie.

_'Sure, in my purse,_' Bella thought at Edward, who smiled.

"Yeah, I'm ready for dessert!" agreed Seth, even though he was still working on his dinner plate.

"My, you La Push boys certainly eat your fill! I've never seen anyone eat more than you and Jacob have tonight. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was feeding a pack of wild dogs!"

"They _are_ dogs! Big giant wolves!" Renesmee said, sure that this was a safe topic, since Renee had brought it up. Bella quickly leaned over and whispered another reminder in her ear about _figurative_ speech.

Seth started coughing, Rosalie was overcome with laughter, and Emmett's hearty guffaws could not be stifled. Carlisle and Esme just looked at each other before laughing softly. Bella was grinning while quietly hushing Renesmee. Jacob's jaw simply hung open until Edward reached over and nudged him. Sue started clapping Seth on the back and said, "You should see the mess they leave at home! Renesmee's right; they behave just like dogs too!"

Everyone started laughing anew; Charlie was worried at how close things were coming to the mark. Edward simply caught his eye and shook his head, reminding Charlie that he could read everyone's thoughts, and that the secret was still safe, though it had nearly been trampled over by a _figurative_ pack of dogs. Charlie marginally relaxed, though he still held his back straighter than normal.

"I've got pumpkin, blueberry, peach, and cherry pies, and a strawberry tart. There is also whipped cream to go on top. Who wants what?" Renee was bringing in the various different desserts, in addition to two cans of whipped cream.

"I want something of everything!" said Seth and Jacob, while eagerly eyeing the various pies.

Renee looked at them for a moment in deep thought, her brain starting to go into overdrive. Edward was getting nervous; something had to be done. Random pieces of information were starting to collide in her head. Carlisle's ever youthful face, Charlie's panic over garlic, Bella's paler than usual skin, her lack of klutz-attack, and the two Quileute boys who had eaten more than everyone else combined, and were still salivating at the thought of more. Edward's growing panic at the things that were starting to piece together was starting to break through his schooled features, cracking his painfully crafted façade. Every non-human at the table was watching his face in alarm. Something had to be done. Emmett took charge.

"FOOD FIGHT!!!" he yelled, grabbing the closest serving bowl to him, and lobbing a great big gob of mashed potatoes right into Edward's face, before reloading and hitting everyone in the room. Realizing the game at hand, everyone at the table joined in, and soon, even Charlie, Sue, Renee and Phil were heaving spoonfuls of their feast to the other side of the table. Esme grabbed her antique painting off the wall and ran, hoping to save it from intense restoration later. Carlisle commandeered a can a whipped cream, and nearly emptied it on Emmett's head before Alice upended the cherry pie over Carlisle's blond hair.

"No! Not the pies!" Jacob and Seth rushed over to grab a pie each, before taking a big bite and hurling the rest across the table, splattering the room in fruit, glaze, and crust. The strawberry tart had hit several of them before being expended. Rosalie crawled out from under the table, her eyes glinting in anger at Emmett for starting this human-food fight. She grabbed the second can of whipped cream and emptied it down the front of Emmett's shirt, making sure to mash it in thoroughly. He only grinned at her and let her do it, knowing accepting this was better than letting her get a full head of steam later.

"Enough!" Esme spoke softly, but everyone stopped all the same. She stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips, and looked around the room with a stern look which was rapidly being replaced with a smile.

"He started it," everyone said while pointing their fingers at Emmett, who resembled the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man with all the whipped cream covering his head and chest. He merely shrugged his shoulders and grinned unrepentantly.

"As such, he will be in charge of cleaning up the mess. Since everyone else participated, you can all show your Thanksgiving spirit by helping. Don't forget the strawberries on the ceiling, or the cherries in the carpet. Those tend to stain. Come on Renesmee, let's give you a bath." With that, Esme took Renesmee's hand and led her upstairs; she could be heard chattering all the way up the stairs.

"I didn't think human food could be so fun! Momma always said it's not nice to play with your food, since it's mean to scare something before you eat it." Her words cut off as they went into the upstairs bathroom and started running the water.

"Well, she does have an active imagination, doesn't she?" said Renee, while wiping yams from her forehead.

___________________________________________________________________________________

"Oh, Bella, this has been the most wonderful visit! I can't wait to do this again next year! Carlisle, Esme, thank you so much for letting us use your home! Emmett, we're going to have a rematch right? Oh, Renesmee, you are so lovely, I can't wait to visit you again! Phil, we'd better get going. You're going to have to pull me out of here. I can't leave on my own."

"OK Hon, let's go. The car is waiting." Phil said, while tugging gently on her hand. Renee reached over for one last hug with Bella, squeezing her tightly.

"Bella, dear, you should go put on a sweater, you're freezing! You've just gotten a little too used to this Forks weather! I think your blood must have gotten thicker!" Renee pulled away, and wiped at her eyes.

"Hon…" Phil said again.

"Ok, ok, I'm coming." She said.

They got into their car and started to drive away, when a brief ray of sunshine broke through the clouds for a moment, just as Renee was looking back in the side mirror.

"Phil! Oh, I think I need to get my eyes checked… I could have sworn they were all sparkling for a moment there. I guess it was just a trick of the light." Renee said, slightly shaken.

On the lawn, Alice's eyes came back into focus after a vision of Renee's next visit. Bella's mother would not be distracted from the glaringly obvious fact that humans did not age two or three years within the space of one, while no one else aged at all. There would be no need to pretend at the dinner table. Smiling, Alice turned to the others and said, "We _will _have venison next year, though we won't need our stylish five course purses, and we definitely won't be sitting at the dining table!"

A/N: Does Renee figure it out? _Yes_. Renee _is _highly perceptive, her only problem is that she is also _easily redirected_. She's just made a whole bunch of observations that she just did't focus on at the time. However, unlike the scene in Eclipse, Bella won't be there to tell her she's been reading too much science fiction. This story _is _finished, but I intentionally left it vague so that *if* I can come up with enough funny gags without repeating anything from Charlie's revelation, I can do a story about Renee finding out. I don't think that Bella would fake her death just because her kooky mom got suspicious. Esecially since I stated earlier in this story that Alice saw that the Volturi won't untuck their tails and think about the Cullens until Charlie and Renee's natural life has past, and as it's my story, I say those silly Italian vamps won't change their minds:) Got any Idea's for Renee? let me know!


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